Hey there, reader and possible subscriber! I'm starting a new job on Monday, and I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen to this blog. I want to keep updating it and making little videos, but I'm not sure how often that'll happen. So if you don't want to keep paying a subscription fee, that's ok. I'll understand! In the meantime, enjoy this video.
And we're back, for the long-awaited Episode #4 of What's Going On, a show about how everyone is terrified. They just don't want to admit it to you.
[What's Going On intro + theme]
This is my new apartment! Very little has changed, except that now I'm being lit by the natural light of the sun. So, my life's turned around now that I've got windows, and I don't need to make these videos anymore! [thumbs up]
Unfortunately, I don't know how many more of these I'm going to be making because I'm starting a new job on Monday, and I don't know if I'm going to have free time for a little while. [sarcastically] Everything's going to change; I'm going to finally start being busy! [rolls eyes]
It coincides with moving to a new place, which is good. And both of those are good changes. My boyfriend is moving in here, which is also good, but that's a lot of change for me. Even a good change, I tend to react to with absurd anxiety and self-sabotage, so … [laughs] I've been doing a lot of really cool stuff like, picking fights with people and getting stress headaches and grinding my teeth at night – that's a fun new habit I'm just giving a whirl – and waking up with a headache and feeling like I haven't slept at all, and not eating meals at regular times … you know, classic Maddy Myers comedy bits. I've been really killing it all week.
I'm sort of hoping that all of these changes will even out eventually, and I'll just chill for once. [surfer voice] Maybe I'll just, like, chill. Like, for once, I'll just fuckin' chill out.
[claps hands] Change is bad, and no one should ever change anything about their life, even if it sucks now, because if you change stuff, then that's scary, and it's better to just not change. At all.
Obviously I think it's great to learn how to adjust to changes, except I have absolutely no idea how to do it, and I've chosen to [air quotes] "cope" with stress by lashing out at others and largely being a huge asshole. So maybe this video is an apology to pretty much everybody I know, because I have been a real jerk this week.
You know, it is possible that all of these good changes will happen, and it will turn out that they were all a really bad idea, and I'll wish that I had kept freelancing, and I'll wish that I had kept living alone in my dark basement like I always did before. But that is not likely. [laughs] However, it is a lot less scary to keep doing what you're already doing, even if it's harmful to you.
I can tell objectively that all of these changes are good. Intellectually I know that, and logically I know that. [waves arms] That's a robot. [does the robot] I don't know.
Emotionally and psychologically and even physically, I feel like I haven't done a good job of absorbing all of these things. At all.
I don't really have any advice. As usual, I have zero advice. But for once I'm making a video about something good happening to me. So you would think, for once, I would be psyched about it. I think I seem a little more psyched overall. I have a more cool vibe in this video. [sarcastically] I'm a lot … cooler now? So, that's another thing that's changed about me. Now I'm just finally cool.
I guess since these videos never have any advice from me, since they're always me being like, "I don't know how to cope with my own life! Ha!" And trying to make jokes about it, even though it's completely ineffective and actually people watch these videos and they're like, "Maddy, I'm really concerned about you." And I'm like, "But I'm trying to be funny!"
[laughs] But it's really not worked, and instead people are like, "Maddy, these are terrifying, and you should probably talk to a therapist instead of your camera." And to that I say, I've been to therapy before and I endorse it and it's actually a pretty good thing and I don't stigmatize it in any way. These videos are just a jokey way for me to laugh at myself and also be compassionate about my own faults from time to time.
Insofar as I have any advice, I guess it's that. It's good to be compassionate about your own faults. Don't make them into such a joke that you think that it's not okay to fuck up from time to time, because it is, and it's okay to be scared and not know what you're doing. And it's okay for me to be scared. Nobody really knows what they're doing. Everybody's really scared all the time.